


Close the Windows

by inksheddings



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Gen, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-03-22
Updated: 2014-03-22
Packaged: 2018-01-16 15:47:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 846
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1353019
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/inksheddings/pseuds/inksheddings
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sirius doesn't look out windows anymore.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Close the Windows

  
__Now close the windows and hush all the fields:  
If the trees must, let them silently toss;  
No bird is singing now, and if there is,  
Be it my loss. 

__ \- - From Robert Frost’s, “Now Close the Windows”

*****

As a child, Sirius would often sit at the large bay window in the library at Grimmauld Place and look out at a world that appeared more magical than the one he was brought up in. It wasn’t that he wanted to be a part of it. He couldn’t imagine the horrors of existing in the muggle world, though some of his father’s stories did give him nightmares. However, Sirius was a curious child, and back then the window simply provided him with a view to a sort of side show, performing right next door. Were it not for the vicious wards that kept him locked in, the whole house locked down, and the outside world locked out, Sirius would have climbed out of the window for a front row seat. 

As it was, he did not begin to learn any of that mysterious world’s truths until Hogwarts, when he became acquainted with muggle borns and half-bloods. It lost some of its freakish appeal then, though Sirius began to suspect that it still held its own sort of magic. 

*****

Looking out the window in the Hogwarts room he shared with James, Peter, and Remus, Sirius realized that he still couldn’t climb out of it, but also that he didn’t have to. Not when he could simply run downstairs and out the front door. 

This window didn’t open to a view of a side show, but to a world of endless activity. One thorough look out that window revealed who, what, when , where and sometimes how (why never mattered). It was a partial answer to the question of _what is freedom_ , promising mischief, fun, and exhilarating possibilities.

*****

When Sirius went to live with James’ family, windows were simply windows, panes of glass that opened or closed as the mood suited. Handy, though, as they kept out the bitter winds, yet let in a cooling breeze. They could be shuttered against the strongest storms or uncovered for the warmth of morning sunshine. They brought in the gentle smell of rain, and let out the intoxicating scent of freshly baked pie. They ushered in owls from Remus and Peter, then saw the same owls safely on their way with replies and plans for the summer’s end. 

Windows were windows, family was family, and if your friends became family, it was a window to a better world. 

*****

After Grimmauld Place, after Hogwarts, after his home with James, when he and Remus shared a one bedroom flat, Sirius charmed a motorbike to fly. Now, he could look in windows from the outside, and he’d laugh loudly, wondering at what kept those people inside from throwing their windows wide open and joining him for a ride on the wind, nothing but speed and open air at their disposal. 

He was free.

No more windows for Sirius Black.

*****

Azkaban. Sirius didn’t remember if he’d had a window in Azkaban. He’d always looked inward. 

*****

Now he was back where he’d started, and nothing much at 12 Grimmauld Place had changed.  These windows still didn’t open. Not for him. There was no fresh air, no reassuring warmth of sunshine, no enticing scents to draw him outside. They may as well have been bricked up, all the good they did him. 

He supposed he could look out at the muggles passing by, oblivious to the house, to his world, to the danger their lives were in. But he'd watched them die at Peter's hands once already, and he had no desire to relive that experience, or create new ones in his head as he watched them. So he didn't.

He could also watch as other Order members came and went as they pleased, but he didn't see the point. He couldn't follow them, couldn't help them. So he didn't. 

And there was no need to watch Remus walk down the street, away from him, off toward another mission for Dumbledore. He didn't need to do that to know that this time, or the next, he might not return. He knew it, felt it down deep, every time Remus left their room, left their bed. 

So he bided his time, taking what comfort he could in his sparse contact with Harry, the anesthetic effects of Firewhiskey, and the occasional row with Molly or Snape. 

And there was comfort with Remus ... but even with Remus he felt like an outsider looking in on two men deluding themselves. How could they possibly hold onto love after so long a time, so many hurts, so many unshared experiences? It didn't seem likely, did it?

Sirius was stuck in this house -- for Harry's sake, it _had_ to be -- and if he couldn't leave it, he saw no point in even seeing what was beyond the walls, the doors, or even the windows. 

No point at all.

Sirius didn't look out of windows anymore.

  
END


End file.
